Introduction
Relationships can vary drastically for each person; some couples have little to no trust in each other, whereas other couples can be overly clingy and attached. We would like to believe our ideas on relationships are based on our ideals or connection with the individual, whilst this is partially true, what if your relationship with your parents during childhood had a huge impact on your relationships today?
This theory is called Attachment styles, the theory was formed by Ainsworth and Bowlby. They noticed different responses with a child when they were separated from their parent for a short time. Some would cry or not be bothered, after this they would bring the parent back to see how the child interacts with the parent again as well as see how they respond to a stranger. Based on the responses, the child would fall into one of three attachment styles.
Another important idea is the internal working model. This suggests that our interactions with our parent at an early age become a model for how we view and engage with other relationships in adulthood. Depending on how we were treated by our parents, our expectations, trust and self-confidence can differ.
What are attachment styles?
The attachment styles describe how the individual perceives their relationships. What they expect of their peers or partner, how they see themselves in relation to others, and how they may interact with those around them. The attachment styles were used to explain how a child reacted in the experiment. The study had the infant put into an unfamiliar room with their mother, where the child could explore their surroundings. A stranger would go to the child, then the mother would leave, shortly after the mother would return to her child. Attachment styles not only reflect how the infant responded, but it can be used to describe adult relationships as well. Each group corresponded with different ideals, views, and perceptions of relationships.
Secure
The baby would try to remain close to their parent and would be anxious when the parent left. Once the parent returned, they would be happy to see them. If they were comforted by strangers, they would not be as anxious, but they would prefer the comfort of their parent. This attachment style shows us what a relationship looks like when the baby see’s their parent as responsible and is reassured by them.
In adulthood, you would have relationships where you trust the other person, have good self-esteem and are fine with intimacy. Secure people respond better to negative events, not letting it damage their idea of relationships. Securely attached people are more likely to be with their partner for longer, feel more fulfilled and are more encouraging. They generally had a more optimistic outlook on romance as well.
Avoidant
Children, with an avoidant attachment style, aren’t concerned with their parent. They showed no interest when the parent left and interacted with the stranger in the same way. Once they were reunited, the child would have slight avoiding tendencies, such as moving away from them or not holding eye contact. The child could develop this attachment style because they have dealt with neglect from the parent. The parent may have responded with more agitation or less intimacy.
Avoidant adults will have an issue with close relationships and will remain emotionally detached from their partner/peers. They don’t feel as bothered when a relationship ends and will try to keep a distance from those around them. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may struggle to express your opinion or emotions about a matter. With their partners, avoidant people had little faith in the idea of romance and may have even feared being close with their partner.
Ambivalent/anxious
An ambivalent child is more erratic and doubtful about how they feel. The infant would want to stay close to the parent, but would also reject them upon interaction. Once the parent left, the child is very upset. However, when the parent returned, they wouldn’t accept comfort by them, or they would even be aggressive towards their parent. These infants usually perceived their parent as unreliable; they didn’t feel entirely secure with them.
Adults with ambivalent attachments will be more neurotic about their relationships. They will fear that their friends may leave them, because of the emotional instability from their childhood. For relationships, it is likely they will need constant reassurance from friends or their partner; you may find they’re much more clingy. For romance, ambivalent people may find they have intense relationships. They feel distressed when the relationship ends, but they’re likely to feel that the partner does not care for them.
Disorganized
Disorganized category is a mix of the ambivalent and avoidant category. Children in the disorganized attachment styles usually have behaviour that doesn’t seem coherent. They may appear stunned and will do things that can be irrational. Children from this group were seen as having a parent who is very unpredictable. As a result, the child can be very confused about them. Their parent may have imbued fear into them, but also made them feel better. Doing this can cause the child to feel perplexed. The child would no longer have a clear understanding of how their parent would react.
This attachment style hasn’t been researched as heavily as the other three. People in this group are more likely to suffer with mental health issues, have abusive relationships and be more sexually active. This is possibly down to their childhood being very unstable.
Takeaway
After looking at the different attachment styles, you can probably see where you fit on the spectrum. This can help you figure out if you’re engaged in healthy relationships; some of us have had bad experiences or mental health issues that have made our life more complex. The key takeaway is to understand that regardless of our relationships, we shouldn’t try to undervalue ourselves, as it can affect how we engage with our peers negatively. If you’re still struggling, try to contact a professional for support.
