Tips And Advice to Comfort Another

Introduction

Comforting someone who is upset, is not as easy as it sounds. It may seem simple on paper, but when it comes to acting it out, you may find yourself in a dilemma. 

What should you do to comfort someone? Give reassuring words? A hug? A shoulder to cry on? 

There are various ways to show concern and console a person who is unhappy. These comfort techniques may apply to some more than others, as it varies from person to person, depending on what each person needs. 

For instance, one person may like to be left alone to give vent to their emotions, while another may prefer another’s company, to give them some reassurance and comfort. 

This article will detail the tips and advice to comfort another, when a person is distraught. 

Tips and Advice

If you want to show concern, there are various actions you can portray. From just being there, to lending an ear, there are many steps you can take to reduce their discomfort. 

1) Be There for Them 

In most instances, words of comfort do fairly little to help calm your emotions down. 

What needs to be done, is letting your presence be known. 

It will let the person in question, feel that they can rely on you and give them invisible support. Giving some of your time, will allow that someone to feel noticed and not overlooked. 

They need to know that they matter. 

2) Lead Them Somewhere They Feel Secure 

Generally, most people would be unwilling to express their upset out in public. In some circles, crying in the open, tends to be regarded as a sign of weakness. 

If a person begins to cry, it may be better to offer to assist them to a more private location. This is to dispel, or lessen any embarrassment, or shame they may feel in expressing these emotions. 

Some people would not like to be seen in this state, as they do not want to be judged as being over-the-top, too sensitive, or feeling like a joke. 

Where to go: 

• Going to a bathroom, car, or an empty / less populated area – Can allow them to feel comfortable and more at ease. It will not agitate them and enables them to slowly get their emotions back in order. 

• An underage person (under 18), such as a student – You cannot take them to an unoccupied space, like an empty classroom. Make sure that there is another presence in the room, to deter troublesome situations from cropping up. 

3) Offer A Tissue 

If the upsetting situation leads to tears, offer a tissue, or offer to get one for them. This will show that you are attentive and want to help. 

Ask if they want a tissue. 

In some situations, just offering a tissue silently, can insinuate that you want them to stop crying immediately. 

The problem with this, is the upset individual may misinterpret that you are belittling their situation and want it to be over and done with. 

You need to be careful about how your actions may come across as. This is doubly so, if dealing with break-ups, deaths, or when the individual is highly distressed. 

• Think – Is it seen as helpful, or just an offhanded gesture? 

4) Let Them Cry 

Let them express their emotions. 

• Tears are a good way to expel frustration and agitation. Crying gives voice to your feelings and by venting it out, it helps you calm down. 

• Telling someone to stop crying, or deciding their experience is nothing to cry about, is one of the worst things to do. 

• Bottled up emotions, can actually lead to mental health issues, like depression. 

You may feel awkward, or uncomfortable around a crying individual. Remember, you are there to give them support, so plough through that present discomfort. They ultimately need some attention, which you can provide. 

5) Ask them what they need 

Everyone is different, and so their needs will differ. 

Some people will want you present and to listen to their complaints, struggles, or feelings. Others, would like some space and to be left alone for a while. 

You should always ask if the individual needs anything. Do not assume you know what they need. Every person is different and everyone has their own methods to feel better. 

Asking them what they want, allows them to feel in control in an emotional situation where they feel out of control. You should respect what they may need and their decisions. 

Ask them: 

• Do you need anything? 
• Shall I give you some room? Some time? 
• Do you want to talk about it? 

If they want some time alone, you should respond with: 

• Okay, but text / call me if you need anything 

This will let them know, whenever they need someone to talk to, you are available. 

6) Give Them Your Time 

Acknowledge that the upset individual may need some time to feel better. 

Make some time for them. 

• Do not make them feel that you are too busy, or have a limited amount of time to be there for them 

• Giving support, means to show that you are willing to sit down and take the time to give comfort and reassurance. 

• If you have work to do, you can at least make time to spend a few extra minutes, making sure they are okay. Let them know that you are here, if they need someone to talk to. 

Your presence alone, can make the inconsolable person feel comforted. Being there and making sure they can receive further help or support, if needed, is something they will appreciate. 

7) Giving Affection 

Giving affection is dependent on the type of person the distressed individual is. 

Friends / Colleagues / Classmates / Relatives: 

• If he/she is a person who likes hugs, give them a hug. 
• If he/she is more physically reserved, you can either give them a pat on the back, or just console them verbally 

Stranger: 

• Ask if they want physical comfort – i.e., through a hug, or a pat on the back or shoulder. 
• If they don’t want physical comfort, do not give it, or force it. This is about comfort, and if they do not feel comforted by a hug, you should not attempt it. 

Ask: 

• Do you need a hug? 

Your friends and family may be fine with getting a hug and physical comfort from you, but the same may not apply to strangers. Make sure that giving some physical comfort does not make them uncomfortable instead. 

8) Do Not Place Pressure on Them 

The distraught individual may be in shock, or be unwilling to talk. If they are reluctant to talk, do not force them to. 

Some people would be hesitant to share their feelings with another, especially if the confidante is someone, they are not particularly close to. 

If you are unsure of what to say, saying something simple can go a long way. You do not need to think of profound words, or meanings. 

How to comfort them: 

• The simplest and most comforting action, is to be available and willing to offer help when needed. 

Stating: ‘I am here’, or ‘If you need help, just know, I am here’. 

• Offering comfort to an individual who has not divulged what is causing the upset, and being fine with that. 

• Offer comfort by lending an ear if they want to talk, but not pushing if they do not want to. Letting the individual know you are here, if they do want to talk. 

• Do not be judgemental. Do not push your own views, and ideals, onto another. Everyone has their own way of coping, which is best for them. 

• Do not assume you know best. 

9) Listen 

Listening attentively is of critical importance in any situation, or occasion. Be willing to focus your attention on them. 

If they desire to talk, be receptive to listening. If they feel uncomfortable talking about their experience, just let them be. Do not keep pushing, like asking for a story. 

It is never the right answer to force a reaction. 

How to listen: 

• Do not contradict their views of the situation – It is their experience and how they felt at that moment in time, not analysing how they should have done things. 

• Accept their account of the situation, and focus on listening, before you try to make any comments, or encouragements. 

• Make eye contact, to show you are listening 

• Focus on what they say, and how they say it (expressed in the tone and pitch of voice) 

• Do not judge them based on their experience. 

10) Focus on them 

Do not say that you went through a similar situation. 

It does not make a connection, and does not make them feel better, or understood. What it does is make the topic about you and not them. At times, it can lead to the upset person to assume you are dismissing their situation and overlooking their feelings at the present moment. 

What you need to do: 

• Keep the conversation about them. 

• When they talk about what is making them upset, do not interrupt. Listen to the end, before making helpful comments. 

• Only talk about your experiences, if they ask about it. Make the subject about them. Your goal is to offer the support they need. 

11) Do Not Offer Solutions, Right Off the Bat 

What you need to do, is be a good confidante, not a problem solver. 

Giving a solution, is not part of your duty. Your job is to give comfort and be a presence they can lean on. 

Do not be quick to give a solution. You can give suggestions, but only when they have begun to calm down. 

When a person is distressed and upset – 

Your duties include: 

• Less Talking, More Listening 

• If they do not want to talk, that is normal and completely fine. Just be a physical presence, so they know that someone cares. 

• Do not interfere if they are crying. It is a way to deal with difficult emotions 

• Remember, crying is not a sign of weakness. Be sure to let the individual know that. 

12) Encouraging them, if they need a therapist 

If the individual, repeatedly has: 

• Problems coping with their emotions 
• Is frequently overwhelmed by their emotions 

It might be necessary to seek support from a therapist. 

Their problems may either overwhelm you, or you find that professional help would be better suited to assist them in their experience. 

How to suggest therapy: 

• Be gentle when recommending your suggestion – Do not make it sound that their problems are beyond you. 

• Suggest that it might be a good idea – Explain that you are not an expert and that a doctor may be able to offer better solutions. They can, in turn, refer them to a therapist if needed. 

Ask: 

• It seems that you are finding the situation a tad bit difficult, have you perhaps thought to talk to maybe a doctor, or therapist? 

• You never know, maybe talking to someone can help. Someone who is trained in the field, like a doctor… maybe a therapist?